The years after my Manic attack, Part 2

After a year with my job as a delivery driver I was fired because I had to many speeding tickets and my company’s insurance could not cover me while driving the work van. While its never great to be fired, I was losing my dedication and patience in the job. It was time for me to move on. I sincerely believed that God orchestrated those tickets. I have not received a ticket since then and before my delivery job had never received a ticket. I actually received my first ticket the day that I was hired. Maybe God was foreshadowing his plan for me all along?

For a couple of months, I did not have a job. My Mom suggested a lot of things, but nothing really appealed to me. I didn’t want just a job, but something that I was passionate about or at least interested in. The problem was, I was not sure how to fit my passions within a certain job. I had some spare money so I could live without a job comfortably for a while.

Eventually my brother found a job opening as a newspaper editor in a small town near me. I readily applied for this job as it fit my interest in writing and talking about cultural issues. I got the job and began my daily 45-minute commute to my office. I’m sure y’all understand that the newspaper industry is not doing well. Most of the people that read the paper is my grandparent’s generation. The industry is struggling to survive.

During my time working there was a lot of upheaval and changes. I also worked as a reporter and worked on another paper in another small town during this time as well. What I came to learn most about this job is that I was not passionate about it. I care to write about the meaning behind events, not just the facts of the events themselves. So when I was fired after 8 months because of budget cuts and changing roles once again I was not that disappointed. I believe God was working once more.

During my time at the paper my brother moved out of the apartment to live in a house with his new bride. His friend moved in in his place. His friend got a dog. When I lost my job, I played with his dog and we became friends. My roommate saw that the dog liked me more and he gave me the dog. The dog helped comfort me during the next months that I did not have a job once again.

After a while of being unemployed I ran out of money. I had felt overwhelmed, paralyzed, anxious, and somewhat depressed about trying to find another job and hadn’t done a good job of working to find another one. When I ran out of money, I stopped taking my Lithium.

I didn’t tell my parents about not taking my meds anymore for months because I knew that would scare them a lot. The truth is, I had been thinking about stopping my meds for a while. I felt like I couldn’t grow because I couldn’t examine my blunted emotions well. Life felt drab and like a boring slobbish. Once I got off my meds my emotions started coming back more strongly which was a little scary, but also a relief. I felt like I knew myself again and had a personality once more.

Ever since I was little I have had dreams of becoming a writer. I’ve read many books, my favorite being Christian fantasy. At times after my mania I tried to write, but I never got very far because of anxiety and perfectionism. So instead of writing during my free time, I turned to video games. I started playing Fortnite and made friends online. When I lost my job I dove into playing video games and streaming and didn’t spend enough time looking for another job. I wouldn’t say that I was depressed, but I was definitely down and felt directionless in life.

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