Mania and Depression reflections

The years after my manic experience I had a spiritual, mental, and physical depression. Mentally, doctors have all agreed that depression follows mania as part of the Bipolar 1 cycle. Physically, I missed the electric, drug-like feelings that were surging in my body during my mania. Perhaps, one could call them withdrawals? My body was now sober and I yearned for that experience, but knew that it was not healthy for my body and mind to have future manic experiences. Spiritually, I missed the feelings of oneness with God and the universe. I missed the feeling of being completely at peace with myself and in the moment so much that I could simply observe other people living and be happy for them without thinking of my own life. I missed the constant ideas that were flowing through my mind before and all of the spiritual and symbolic connections I was making with my life breath by breath.

During this time I really struggled with my Faith. God felt far away, the complete opposite of my manic experience. I struggled going to church as I felt disconnected from it all. I had no positive feelings about Christianity or God. No one from my tradition seemed to be able to relate and help me with the spiritual aspects of my manic experience.  I doubted my experience. Was it all just mania? Did I really hear the voice of God? Was all of the connections I was making during mania false manifestations of illness?

I even doubted God’s existence. I thought maybe God is just an impersonal force, the principles of order in the universe.  Someday Science will figure it out one day and we will no longer need the concept of God. Why does God feel so far away?

I also had opposite, hopeful feelings such as maybe universalism is true? Maybe all religions are different paths towards God? Is my Christian background big enough? Does it understand God well? Are we missing things? However, I associated these feelings as stemming from my mania and dangerous for my well-being. I thought that they were heretical with what I was taught and that they were just wishful momentary emotional thoughts.

One thing I forgot to mention is that while I was Manic I kept telling my parents that God is in everything. That phrase really worried them. They felt like it was a very New Age thing to say. They were worried about the website that I was reading right before my Manic Experience. That it was very New Age-ey and that perhaps I had hooked onto these ideas during my mania and perhaps that they even caused the Mania.

These worries from my parents stayed with me and kept me from exploring ideas I had while Manic or taking any of my spiritual thoughts during Mania that seriously. The only thing I seriously believed in without a doubt from that experience is the Love and Grace I felt from God during my shaking experience. It was an intensity that I had not fathomed or ever experienced before from God. That Love and Grace would eventually overcome all obstacles and propel me onto the next phase of my life.

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